Dulling the Senses

A couple of weeks ago, my wife and I learned we were pregnant again. My first reaction was excitement mixed with hesitation. Hesitation because it was still early in the pregnancy and we have struggled with miscarriages in the past. But I realized I really wanted another daughter and began imagining another baby girl in our home. There was also trepidation and a feeling of holding back as well. Something was hindering me from fully engaging the thought of another baby because I was afraid of the hurt and disappointment that would surely follow if we lost this child. My wife and I are all too familiar with that cycle of emotions.

However, I also know that the only way to dull the potential pain of that loss would be to dull the anticipation of another child. It would require dulling the excitement. Dulling the joy. Dulling the hope. Dulling my spirit and ultimately, dulling who I am. I decided that is no way to live. I will experience plenty of heartache and loss in this life, but I can’t seek to avoid that pain by cheating myself out of fully experiencing hope and expectation, ultimately watering down the joy of the countless wonderful blessings I experience.

I know life is not all gumdrops and unicorns. I am not saying I have decided to live as a blind, naïve optimist, but I want to live in expectation of God’s grace and gifts so I don’t miss them when they appear. I am also not ignorant to the disappointment I will face in life, but I must not borrow sadness from future events that have not yet transpired.

_ _ _

My wife began miscarrying yesterday and we must once again say goodbye to an unborn child we won’t have the pleasure of meeting this side of eternity. However, while we navigate this loss, I rejoice in the joy experienced during these last few weeks anticipating another precious addition to our family. I will not miss the gift.

If there is only one thing I want you to get from this it is this: Don’t borrow disappointment from the future.

“The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away; blessed be the name of the Lord” – Job 1:21b

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